We finally have high-speed internet, and we didn’t have to use a satellite to do it. So far we’re still in the testing stage, but this is a good thing. I have heard from very few rural dwellers who are desperately in love with satellite internet (two reasons: speed, latency and weather interference. Oh, wait, is that more than two?); but they think satellite is the only option for them way out in the sticks.

I didn’t think so, and after a lot of research I found that I could buy a set of antennae, cables, and an amplifier that would capture and amplify a weak cell signal from Verizon Wireless. We tested our setup for over a week, and that was a three-ring circus: 1) I was outside on a ladder, holding up 10’ ABS pipe (left over from construction) with the Yagi antenna bolted to the top, slowly aiming it in various directions to get a signal; 2) Emma or Becca standing inside holding a borrowed cell phone and hollering “one! No, two. No wait—one. I mean three!” to indicate the number of bars the phone was reading, and 3) cables strewn out our bedroom window, all over the floor, and everywhere in between. I dropped my screw gun 15 feet to our flagstone walkway, sending pieces of plastic spinning to Kingdom Come. I risked my life a score of times with an extension ladder leaning up at maximum extension. (I didn’t know that they start wobbling when they’re extended all the way out. Now I do.) I brought stuff back and forth from the store half a dozen times.

But after a week or so of this circus, we found a strong, consistent signal. We can pick up the best signal from a tower near the Bull River junction, rather than from town, which is an hour away behind Turtleback Mountain. And viola! We’ve gone from No Signal Whatsoever to four bars, and the internet comes to our computer like a firehose. Okay, a garden hose, but that’s still better than the eyedropper pace we had with dial-up.

Which reminds me, I need to go cancel our dial-up service.

There, all done. That’ll reduce our internet bill by $10 a month.

The second part of our Evil Master Plan is to get MagicJack to function for our phone service. If’n it works (and I’m having troubles getting it to connect right now), it will virtually eliminate our phone bill, and our wireless internet will actually save us money. This setup will pay for itself in three years, which is about the time it will take somebody tinkering in their garage to invent a way for everybody on earth to get a 10 Gbps connection using only a saucepan.

And I don’t know how well this will work in rough weather. We’ve had shamefully gorgeous spring weather lately, so I can’t test that. I’ll find out if the connection is diminished in a snowstorm; in a blizzard, we won’t get phone service at all and will have to go to ham radio.

But I’m ready for that too. And if you’re tinkering with using a saucepan as an antenna, I’ll be interested in three years.