Read the following out loud. An overly dramatic voice is helpful, and your imagination can supply the frenetic video footage:

FOLLOW the HARROWING SAGA of the FLUKINGIJIGiGJER’S CHICKENS as they RAISE SEVEN CHICKS to ADULTHOOD. WILL THEY SURVIVE? WHAT about the FLOCK of BIZARRE DUCKS SPOTTED among PEACEFUL NEIGHBORHOOD HENS? WHY did the HENS SUDDENLY START LAYING EGGS? LEARN the SHOCKING TRUTH about the MISSING ROOSTER! WHY have the FLUCKNJIGJERGERS SNATCHED the POND AWAY from their PEACE-LOVING DUCKS? And WHERE HAVE THE BANTIES GONE? FIND OUT on CHICKEN NEWS TONIGHT!!

1 ) I’m replacing the original tirade that occupied this spot with the following: 99% of television is a puerile and corrosive waste of time.* Hence the mocking tone.

2) Will the chicks survive? No. Two have died; the other five are flourishing. They’re now about the size of (oh, I don’t know, what’s that big?) a small squash and have moved out to the chicken hotel.

3) The bizarre ducks are Indian Runners; I believe I’ve addressed them in a previous post. They have to be seen to appreciate their comic construction; but they were free, and they’re supposed to be terrific layers.

4) We have no idea, but we’re gathering about nine eggs a day now. I love eggs.

5) The rooster was gentle with people but very aggressive with the hens. They would have feathers torn out every time he mounted them. This disturbed Jessica (also the hens) and we found a new home for him.

6) See here. The boat was replaced with a plastic 55-gallon drum, sliced in half lengthwise and filled with water.

&) We Craigslisted the banty rooster and his sister, which hatched last fall. When their new owners came for them at work, the two chickens got away in the parking lot. Hopefully no one was recording us running around the parking lot (hmm, maybe we’re on YouTube right now). This escapade involved my telling a co-worker, “Chuck, there is a chicken in your engine.”

The escapees were eventually apprehended.

*Unfortunately, 1% is hard to hit. This reduces the chance that the 1% of television that does not fit this description is the portion that you like to watch.